Changing Plans

It doesn't matter how much you try and plan your life, it never goes the way you want it to. At a young age you're always asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" but how many of us are actually doing the career that we picked when we were five? Even now at the age of 23 I am still trying to decide what I want to do when I grow up and, believe me, I have thought of everything: doctor, lawyer, teacher, princess, but none of them have seemed to work out. Now the question is what to do now?

As the saying goes "age is but a number" and so whether you're 20, 30, 40 etc you can still change your job and go in a different direction but, mentally, I'm starting to feel like I should have a clear goal in mind not be flitting from one idea to the next. Yes, I am young but due to pressures in the economy and socially, with friends having clear paths in life, surely I should have mine already? It's a definite struggle and really stressful, especially when you barely have any ideas. It's very unsettling how unpredictable life can be as there is no real security... question is what is the next step?

Time to Grow Up!

Life lately has taken a turn, for the better but it has made me realise that it is time to shed the mindset of the 18 year old that I still think I am and come to terms with the fact that I am 23 and not getting younger. I still mourn my teenage years, the easy life where boys were the hot topic of conversation and make up was a new found fad. I still envy those young girls swanning around town without a care in the world and not yet knowing the harsh realities that the world can bring even though I know that I should appreciate being slightly older and that little bit wiser I miss the simplicity of life then. Now, I am working 40 hour weeks and have to make an actual decision of what I want to be now that I'm grown up and I can no longer just think about myself as I am in a real grown up relationship and it is now "us" and "we". My soul sister is my inspiration and my rock, calming me down when my teenage mind kicks in and freaks out about the fact I have a serious boyfriend or throws a strop when I have to work when I want to go out. She has grown up way before me, she embraced it whereas I fight it, but she has pure patience and calmly guides me when I need it. Either that or she will just get me to babysit my beautiful nieces for an hour to snap me out of it.

I sound ungrateful and silly but growing up is scary. This really hit home today when I booked a holiday for myself and my boyfriend. Going away with a boyfriend is a big grown up thing and I'm freaking out slightly but I'm excited! He is such an amazing guy and I have never been in a relationship like it where being a grown up is so much fun! I am gradually starting to believe that I am in fact 23 and not 18, and that I am actually a grown woman who is an auntie to 2 beautiful girls and another on the way, a sister to a saintly woman with a heart of gold and a girlfriend to a wonderful man.

If this is grown up life then I am ready!

xx

Flashback

In my younger days I used to do these quite alot. In the spirit of embracing my youth here we go again...

1. What does the sixteenth text in your inbox say and whos it from? umm don't know I'm an iphone girl



2. Has anybody ever told you they would be with you forever? Yes... unfortunately


3. Last person you were in the car with? DJ Giles


4. Any plans for tomorrow? Working... so excited... hmmm


5. How long does it take you to have a shower? 15 mins


6. When is your birthday? 18th December


7. Is tomorrow going to be a good day? No as I will be working.


8. Did you kiss anyone Saturday? hehe yes :D


9. Ever thrown up in public? Yes but I was genuinely ill from alcohol ha!


10. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW? My brain has left the building... so nothing lol

11. Who was the last person you talked to face to face? Giles


12. What is the WORST subject they teach at school? P.E just don't do it its knackering!


13. Have you seen anyone lately that you don't get along with? ummm... no


14. What is your favourite colour shirt to wear? white


15. Have you ever been in a car accident? yep


16. Whats the closest thing to you that's green? the grass outside lol.


17. Where would you like to be right now? Thailand :(


18. Write down some lyrics to the song your listening to? I have a hangover so all is quiet in my world at the minute. Any noise may kill me!


19. How many dogs do you have? 0 :'(


20. Is anything bugging you right now? yes, the fact im hungry and this means getting out of my bed.


21. How is life going for you right now? better than it was :)


22. Is there someone you care about more than yourself? yes most definately


23. What made you laugh today? Razer with his Take That love.


24. What was the last film you watched? Chitty Chitty Bang Bang haha! Love that film!


25. What's the last conversation you had about? Razer's drunken antics


26. What were you doing at 7:00 this morning? Dead to the world


27. Do you like your hair long or short? shortish


28. Do you want to see somebody right now? hehe maybe...


29. Do you like the rain? Yes apart from the fact it gets me wet. Like hearing it outside when I'm in bed... mainly because I know I'm not in it.


30. Do you think you'll have a Valentine this year? Doubtful.


31. The last person you kissed needs you at 3 AM, would you go? Definately


32. Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else? yes... family and soul sister without a thought.


33. Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you? Yes




34. Could you see yourself with someone forever? Not at the moment


35. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? Hello hangover my old friend...


36. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more? haha... have tried and failed before so watch this space!


37. Do you forgive and forget? Forgive but never forget.


38. Do you trust people? A small minority of special people


39. What are you not looking forward to? Moving out of bed


40. Do you get mad easily? yes... although I'm alot better than i used to be


41. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? yeah


42. Do you have strange dreams? oh my word yes!!


43. Ever licked someone’s cheek or forehead? haha yes!


44. Last time you fell asleep in someone’s arms? I can't remember


45. When did you last throw up? 2 weeks ago


46. What do you have on you at all times? phone, purse, lipbalm, mascara, keys and self-doubt.


47. Would you go out in public without getting dressed up or put together? Only in exceptional circumstances like dying of a hangover


48. Do you like fruity or minty gum? minty


49. Favourite musicians or groups? Pendulum, Bon Jovi, Jason Mraz, Del Amitri, any 80's rock, songs from musicals, Frank Sinatra... the list is endless


50. Favourite film of all time? Forrest Gump


51. Favourite computer game? Guitar Heroes


52. First album you ever went and bought with your own money? 911 ha! you got my body shaking...


53. Think back seven months ago, would you change anything? Cant remember that far back so no


54. Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? Yep


55. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? would be nice if they were


56. Last thing you bought? Alcohol :s


57. Are you a jealous person? Yes :s


58. Does it take a lot to make you cry? ummm... depends


59. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? yes... best mates ever!


60. Do you think you can be heartbroken? Absolutely.


61. Do you like to cuddle/snuggle? Always


62. Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? yes


63. How far away is the last person you hugged? ummm... like an hour


64. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? Yes


65. Is your life anything like it was a year ago? No...


66. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yes.


67. You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it? Tea!!


68. Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't? Yes


69. What is the last thing you said out loud? about seeing a girl's nipple ring


70. When was the last time you cried? 2 days ago


71. Do you have friends you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell? yes... only 1 or 2


72. What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? texted someone


73. What can't you wait for? this hangover to end


74. Have you ever told anyone you would marry them? yes, in general conversation not an actual proposal


75. Does ''love you'' and "i love you'' have a difference? Yes- one can be said to anyone the other can only be said to the one.


76. Seven days from now what will you be doing? working!! Urghhh!!


77. Are you mad about anything? yes but getting over it.


78. What is the last thing you got in trouble for with your parents? Actually can't remember! lol


79. Are you mean? I can be


80. Were you happy when you woke up today? No... HANGOVER DOES NOT MAKE THE WELSH GIRL HAPPY!!


81. Has a boy/girl called you babe or baby in the past two days? yep


82. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? No I inhale ha!


83. Do you have anything that belongs to a someone? yep


84. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? yes :)


85. How long do you think you will live? No idea... just trying to enjoy it while I can


86. Does it bother you when people respond with one word? in texts yes!! What is the point!!


87. Do you believe once a cheater, always a cheater? ummm... probably


88. Who disgusts you? People who abuse children


89. Name one thing people think about you that's not true? That I am happy with myself...


90. What would you do if your best friend turned gay? Sort out that wedding to Vegas ;) you knows!


91. Is your hair naturally curly or straight? straight... can be slightly wavy lol


92. Do you drink tea? oohhhhhh yes!


93. How do you feel about chocolate covered strawberries? now im hungry


94. Do you currently have feelings for anybody? hehe...


95. Have you ever stripped for money? No... but have been offered £1000 to strip for Razer's birthday.


95. Ever kissed someone with the letters c, a, s,b,d, q, or j as their first initial? yes.


97. in 2 days, where will you be? Hopefully in the same place as now... bed!


98. Do you think you are a good person? I try to be


99. Who are your favourite people? Soul sister and my lil girls, family and friends


100. What is the time? 1317

Faith

Faith is a funny thing. I'm not talking about faith in reference to the Lord, I am talking about faith in other people. How many times can people dent your faith until the point where it is impossible to smooth it back out? How many times can you pick yourself up, dust yourself off after another let-down and say 'It's ok. I still have faith in you.' Faith in the Lord should be unwavering, but what about your faith in other human beings? Should it be the same? Faith is a gift that should only be given to the most deserving as, in reality, faith is best friends with trust. If someone breaks your trust you find it hard, but not impossible, to forgive them and rebuild the trust, however, if someone dents your faith it is twice as hard to build your faith in them back up. Faith is a delicate and rare thing; it is easy to say you have faith but how many of us actually do?

To me, faith needs just as much attention as love. If people keep knocking you down then they need to help you rebuild your faith in them back up, if they don't it could be lost forever. For a relationship to work faith, trust and love is needed; if one of those falters then the relationship dies which is why it is so important to not break those promises, not matter how little they are, and to show that person that you love how much they mean to you with actions and words. Faith is a flower, nurture it and it will blossom, neglect it and it will wither and die.

xx

Enemy

A definition for the word enemy is "something destructive or injurious in its effect". Most people think of an enemy as another person who despises you and wishes to do you harm; I am lucky enough not to have people as enemies, however, I am unlucky enough to be my own enemy. The quote above speaks volumes to me as it is the other side of me who constantly makes me doubt myself. This one side has the ability to take over my rational side completely and make me become the disbelieving one who constantly refuses to believe anything good could happen, the low self-esteemed, paranoid one who makes me think of course he's with someone else and last, but certainly the most prominent, the angry one the one who will flare up in a heartbeat.

Now she, (my other side), has the uncanny ability to put all three of these feelings together like a beautiful work of art. She will start by allowing me to get excited about something then she watches and waits for that opportune moment where I am on the brink of happiness and then she will strike, "But will it happen?". This tiny seed of doubt consumes me, I can't kill it, and it keeps growing and growing until all my faith and hope has gone, I become the disbeliever. When the something doesn't happen, she gloats for a little while until I admit she was right and then she sits back with a smug smile on her face.

Even as I admit defeat and say I'm wrong, she doesn't let it lie. When being right loses its excitement and she gets bored, she whispers in my ear, "why didn't it happen? What couldpossibly have happened?" and with this, she sits back with an air of satisfaction. My rationality ignores her to begin with, I fight her cruel questions until she strokes my cheek and says sarcastically, "what could have possibly kept him from you?!" The smugness returns as she sees the fear in my eyes and my own questions forming, 'why didn't this happen? Maybe something came up?', "Or maybe someone better came along?" she interjects while inspecting her nails. At this point paranoia enters and completely kicks my rationality out of the door while tearing my self-esteem into shreds until I am left with confetti. 'Maybe she's right, there's always someone better than me...'

The third and final piece of this masterpiece is anger, one of the seven deadly sins and one of the most destructive. This may come as a shock but she doesn't do anything in this part, her work is done so she can sit back and watch her work take form. Anger comes in many forms; it can come in the form of sarcasm, in shouting, in snide comments or in just plain old-fashioned nasty words. It can be used as to hurt, to gain power or to protect; I use it for the latter reason. I become angry and I use it in several forms: sarcasm, snide comments and plain old-fashioned nastiness but I use it for my own protection. If I hurt them and push them away, they can't hurt me anymore by being with that better person, they can't make excuses and not see me, shewon't be right anymore and it will all be ok. So I fight and I push and push and push until I win. My rationality, wounded and in pain, limps back to me and makes me realise I haven't won, I've just lost everything that was dear to me, everything I loved. She looks at me with pity in her eyes and a smirk on her face, "when will you learn?" she asks, shaking her head. She comes and hugs me, "don't worry... you always have me".

"Something destructive or injurious in its effect"... she is that something and she is me. I am my own worst enemy.

xx

Time

Time is a funny thing... it can either change alot or change nothing at all. For example, I have just spent the weekend in London with my closest friends from university, which doesn't sound strange at all except for the fact that a few of these I haven't seen in months!! My point is that even though so much time had passed and we are all doing so many different things when we are all put in the same room time hasn't passed, it is as if we're are still in university together. I think it's amazing how you can not have contact with people or see them in ages and within two seconds of being in their presence you realise that time is not a factor at all and it is the same as it always was. I guess that is the test of true friendship and I am very lucky to say that I have several friends who have passed this test.

Lately I have been thinking about where I am going to be in a year's time. Obviously I have no intention of staying in the job I am in now purely because it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life and I know what I want to do and where I want to go. The question is how much of it will go the way I want it to? I have to have a plan, I have been through a stage where I broke free from my secure plan to see what it felt like and it was so scary and now I am trying to pull myself out of the rut it got me in. Having clear ideas about things makes me feel safe and makes me feel like I'm going somewhere and I have a good reason for it but more than ever, especially after this last month, I know nothing ever goes to plan and you can't count on anything, you just have to be prepared for the unexpected... what a scary thought!!

Where has the time gone? And when did I grow up?

xx

Update

Well after two years of no word from me I think it's time for a little update:

I am still living in Reading and I am currently working in a lingere shop...Yes I get to see boobs 5 days a week. To most, especially men, it would be great and fun and exciting, however, as much as I do enjoy it it really isn't what I was planning to do with my life. I think it's time for a radical change which requires me to move again. Although I have lived in Wales, Brighton and Reading I think I need to be somewhere new again. Things are so repetitive and there is just too much drama for one little welsh girl to cope with!! Who said that running away wasn't the answer?? I completely disagree.

On another note I am studying once again. I have taken a home learning course in A level English Language... What was I thinking?? I speak English and I'm still finding it difficult to understand!! This is going to be one intense course, no doubt you will hear about it all.

Apart from that nothing much has changed... I'm still just as sarcastic and cynical as I once was but maybe a bit more girly i.e I giggle and cry more due to my beloved. I also have 2 beautiful nieces Courtney and Cailtin who are amazing little girls. They cheer me up whenever I am down and love me implicitly :), I know this as Courtney tells me that she loves me more than her Daddy lol. I am a very lucky auntie :). I don't get to see them as often as I would like, maybe that's why I'm like a grumpy old woman... I criticise everything and am constantly moaning, some may say that's no change but I think there is a slight change... Slightly more moaning. I think I need to get away... But when?

Will update soon.

Love for now xx