Enemy

A definition for the word enemy is "something destructive or injurious in its effect". Most people think of an enemy as another person who despises you and wishes to do you harm; I am lucky enough not to have people as enemies, however, I am unlucky enough to be my own enemy. The quote above speaks volumes to me as it is the other side of me who constantly makes me doubt myself. This one side has the ability to take over my rational side completely and make me become the disbelieving one who constantly refuses to believe anything good could happen, the low self-esteemed, paranoid one who makes me think of course he's with someone else and last, but certainly the most prominent, the angry one the one who will flare up in a heartbeat.

Now she, (my other side), has the uncanny ability to put all three of these feelings together like a beautiful work of art. She will start by allowing me to get excited about something then she watches and waits for that opportune moment where I am on the brink of happiness and then she will strike, "But will it happen?". This tiny seed of doubt consumes me, I can't kill it, and it keeps growing and growing until all my faith and hope has gone, I become the disbeliever. When the something doesn't happen, she gloats for a little while until I admit she was right and then she sits back with a smug smile on her face.

Even as I admit defeat and say I'm wrong, she doesn't let it lie. When being right loses its excitement and she gets bored, she whispers in my ear, "why didn't it happen? What couldpossibly have happened?" and with this, she sits back with an air of satisfaction. My rationality ignores her to begin with, I fight her cruel questions until she strokes my cheek and says sarcastically, "what could have possibly kept him from you?!" The smugness returns as she sees the fear in my eyes and my own questions forming, 'why didn't this happen? Maybe something came up?', "Or maybe someone better came along?" she interjects while inspecting her nails. At this point paranoia enters and completely kicks my rationality out of the door while tearing my self-esteem into shreds until I am left with confetti. 'Maybe she's right, there's always someone better than me...'

The third and final piece of this masterpiece is anger, one of the seven deadly sins and one of the most destructive. This may come as a shock but she doesn't do anything in this part, her work is done so she can sit back and watch her work take form. Anger comes in many forms; it can come in the form of sarcasm, in shouting, in snide comments or in just plain old-fashioned nasty words. It can be used as to hurt, to gain power or to protect; I use it for the latter reason. I become angry and I use it in several forms: sarcasm, snide comments and plain old-fashioned nastiness but I use it for my own protection. If I hurt them and push them away, they can't hurt me anymore by being with that better person, they can't make excuses and not see me, shewon't be right anymore and it will all be ok. So I fight and I push and push and push until I win. My rationality, wounded and in pain, limps back to me and makes me realise I haven't won, I've just lost everything that was dear to me, everything I loved. She looks at me with pity in her eyes and a smirk on her face, "when will you learn?" she asks, shaking her head. She comes and hugs me, "don't worry... you always have me".

"Something destructive or injurious in its effect"... she is that something and she is me. I am my own worst enemy.

xx