Take a deep breath and carry on.

It's been 6 months of parenthood, how on earth has it been that long already? Reading my past blogs and it all seems like another life. Unfortunately, as much as everyone thinks parenthood for me has been bliss and life is simple and wonderful for us, it is far from it. For the past 2 months I have been suffering with postnatal depression and it's turned this wonderful time in to a nightmare.

First of all I was consumed with so much love for my little boy, couldn't believe he was mine, he was just so perfect and so beautiful. Over time this feeling of him not being mine engrossed me and I began to feel like I was just his minder and I was constantly waiting for someone to come and collect him. It crept up on me, I didn't even see it coming until I was finding it hard to cope with things like packing to move and ironing to the point where I was having anxiety attacks. Then one day, it hit me and the choking black fog took hold of me and suffocated me and left me crying uncontrollably on the stairs wondering how long I can carry on for. The worst feeling in the world is crying and your baby starting to cry because he can hear how upset you are, it completely broke my heart and made me feel like such a failure as a mother and a person. I left Artie in his bouncer knowing Andy was home any second and ran upstairs to escape and to go to the only place I wanted to be... my bed. I cried and cried and felt like I was the worst human being possible. What kind of person doesn't love their child? The child that I brought into this world with every fibre of my being, the child that before now had consumed every part of me? I just felt numb, hollow and drained to the point where I thought about pouring boiling water onto my arm just to feel something! I was being crushed by my own self loathing and guilt.

I was taken to the doctors where I was diagnosed with PostNatal Depression. I was relieved that the way I was feeling wasn't because I was a bad mother but a physical problem. The fact I felt I didn't love my son was extremely common and it wasn't that the love had gone, it was just being smothered by everything else in my mind and body. I was given tablets and sent to a group to try and help me out of it. I even took up sewing classes as a way to get myself out of my own head and focused on something else. The support I had from Andy, my family and friends has been outstanding and I don't think I would be in the position I am today without them.

Two months on and I am getting better. The tablets are working and giving me motivation and the classes give me a new outlook on things. My sewing classes are fantastic and, as well as giving me a bit of 'me time', I've learnt how to make some lovely things including Artie's first ever halloween costume. The biggest achievement to date is feeling like I am Artie's mum, he is my son and that I love him unconditionally. It has taken me 6 months to feel that I am a parent and I am finally getting there.

My purpose for this blog is to not for sympathy but to not be ashamed of having postnatal depression and for anyone feeling this way to tell someone, get help. It happens to alot of women and some women won't do anything about it because they feel guilty about not being able to cope. I felt that way and am lucky enough to have people who love me and support me and who made me face up to it. The best thing I can say to anyone feeling this way is that it will get better. There is light through the dense black fog and it may only be small but it will continue to grow until it clears.

xx

Time

Time is a funny thing... it can either change alot or change nothing at all. For example, I have just spent the weekend in London with my closest friends from university, which doesn't sound strange at all except for the fact that a few of these I haven't seen in months!! My point is that even though so much time had passed and we are all doing so many different things when we are all put in the same room time hasn't passed, it is as if we're are still in university together. I think it's amazing how you can not have contact with people or see them in ages and within two seconds of being in their presence you realise that time is not a factor at all and it is the same as it always was. I guess that is the test of true friendship and I am very lucky to say that I have several friends who have passed this test.

Lately I have been thinking about where I am going to be in a year's time. Obviously I have no intention of staying in the job I am in now purely because it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life and I know what I want to do and where I want to go. The question is how much of it will go the way I want it to? I have to have a plan, I have been through a stage where I broke free from my secure plan to see what it felt like and it was so scary and now I am trying to pull myself out of the rut it got me in. Having clear ideas about things makes me feel safe and makes me feel like I'm going somewhere and I have a good reason for it but more than ever, especially after this last month, I know nothing ever goes to plan and you can't count on anything, you just have to be prepared for the unexpected... what a scary thought!!

Where has the time gone? And when did I grow up?

xx