Enemy

A definition for the word enemy is "something destructive or injurious in its effect". Most people think of an enemy as another person who despises you and wishes to do you harm; I am lucky enough not to have people as enemies, however, I am unlucky enough to be my own enemy. The quote above speaks volumes to me as it is the other side of me who constantly makes me doubt myself. This one side has the ability to take over my rational side completely and make me become the disbelieving one who constantly refuses to believe anything good could happen, the low self-esteemed, paranoid one who makes me think of course he's with someone else and last, but certainly the most prominent, the angry one the one who will flare up in a heartbeat.

Now she, (my other side), has the uncanny ability to put all three of these feelings together like a beautiful work of art. She will start by allowing me to get excited about something then she watches and waits for that opportune moment where I am on the brink of happiness and then she will strike, "But will it happen?". This tiny seed of doubt consumes me, I can't kill it, and it keeps growing and growing until all my faith and hope has gone, I become the disbeliever. When the something doesn't happen, she gloats for a little while until I admit she was right and then she sits back with a smug smile on her face.

Even as I admit defeat and say I'm wrong, she doesn't let it lie. When being right loses its excitement and she gets bored, she whispers in my ear, "why didn't it happen? What couldpossibly have happened?" and with this, she sits back with an air of satisfaction. My rationality ignores her to begin with, I fight her cruel questions until she strokes my cheek and says sarcastically, "what could have possibly kept him from you?!" The smugness returns as she sees the fear in my eyes and my own questions forming, 'why didn't this happen? Maybe something came up?', "Or maybe someone better came along?" she interjects while inspecting her nails. At this point paranoia enters and completely kicks my rationality out of the door while tearing my self-esteem into shreds until I am left with confetti. 'Maybe she's right, there's always someone better than me...'

The third and final piece of this masterpiece is anger, one of the seven deadly sins and one of the most destructive. This may come as a shock but she doesn't do anything in this part, her work is done so she can sit back and watch her work take form. Anger comes in many forms; it can come in the form of sarcasm, in shouting, in snide comments or in just plain old-fashioned nasty words. It can be used as to hurt, to gain power or to protect; I use it for the latter reason. I become angry and I use it in several forms: sarcasm, snide comments and plain old-fashioned nastiness but I use it for my own protection. If I hurt them and push them away, they can't hurt me anymore by being with that better person, they can't make excuses and not see me, shewon't be right anymore and it will all be ok. So I fight and I push and push and push until I win. My rationality, wounded and in pain, limps back to me and makes me realise I haven't won, I've just lost everything that was dear to me, everything I loved. She looks at me with pity in her eyes and a smirk on her face, "when will you learn?" she asks, shaking her head. She comes and hugs me, "don't worry... you always have me".

"Something destructive or injurious in its effect"... she is that something and she is me. I am my own worst enemy.

xx

Time

Time is a funny thing... it can either change alot or change nothing at all. For example, I have just spent the weekend in London with my closest friends from university, which doesn't sound strange at all except for the fact that a few of these I haven't seen in months!! My point is that even though so much time had passed and we are all doing so many different things when we are all put in the same room time hasn't passed, it is as if we're are still in university together. I think it's amazing how you can not have contact with people or see them in ages and within two seconds of being in their presence you realise that time is not a factor at all and it is the same as it always was. I guess that is the test of true friendship and I am very lucky to say that I have several friends who have passed this test.

Lately I have been thinking about where I am going to be in a year's time. Obviously I have no intention of staying in the job I am in now purely because it's not what I want to do with the rest of my life and I know what I want to do and where I want to go. The question is how much of it will go the way I want it to? I have to have a plan, I have been through a stage where I broke free from my secure plan to see what it felt like and it was so scary and now I am trying to pull myself out of the rut it got me in. Having clear ideas about things makes me feel safe and makes me feel like I'm going somewhere and I have a good reason for it but more than ever, especially after this last month, I know nothing ever goes to plan and you can't count on anything, you just have to be prepared for the unexpected... what a scary thought!!

Where has the time gone? And when did I grow up?

xx

Update

Well after two years of no word from me I think it's time for a little update:

I am still living in Reading and I am currently working in a lingere shop...Yes I get to see boobs 5 days a week. To most, especially men, it would be great and fun and exciting, however, as much as I do enjoy it it really isn't what I was planning to do with my life. I think it's time for a radical change which requires me to move again. Although I have lived in Wales, Brighton and Reading I think I need to be somewhere new again. Things are so repetitive and there is just too much drama for one little welsh girl to cope with!! Who said that running away wasn't the answer?? I completely disagree.

On another note I am studying once again. I have taken a home learning course in A level English Language... What was I thinking?? I speak English and I'm still finding it difficult to understand!! This is going to be one intense course, no doubt you will hear about it all.

Apart from that nothing much has changed... I'm still just as sarcastic and cynical as I once was but maybe a bit more girly i.e I giggle and cry more due to my beloved. I also have 2 beautiful nieces Courtney and Cailtin who are amazing little girls. They cheer me up whenever I am down and love me implicitly :), I know this as Courtney tells me that she loves me more than her Daddy lol. I am a very lucky auntie :). I don't get to see them as often as I would like, maybe that's why I'm like a grumpy old woman... I criticise everything and am constantly moaning, some may say that's no change but I think there is a slight change... Slightly more moaning. I think I need to get away... But when?

Will update soon.

Love for now xx

Believe!!

I was scanning the old favourtie facebook and came across this statement, 'sometimes it is best to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve'. If only I had heard this statement a year ago! The thing is your feelings are normally so strong that your judgement is clouded and so you think that you deserve that one thing you want even if you get really hurt in the process. Most of the time what you deserve and what you want are two totally different things; people can tell you till they're blue in the face what you truly deserve but, at the end of the day, you need to see it for yourself. Life is complicated and full of problems but it will sort itself out and, you never know, you may find that one guy who you deserve and every thing will fall into place. Just got to keep hoping.

xx

Home

I love uni, I love my friends here and the immense drunken nights we have but lately I have been aching to go home. It doesnt matter where you are or who your with ( even if they're your best friends and you enjoy every second with them) you still need your home and your old friends. Ive just read a blog entry from my girl nat's profile which included entries from her school leavers book and it made me ache. I miss those days where a guy punching you in the arm was a sign that he was in love with you and where eyeshadow was a new experience and so you felt the need to overload your eye lids with it. I know you have to grow up but I dont feel ready! Its all gone so quick; i'm living on my own, my good friends are living miles away from me and one best friend is married with a baby! Where did the years go? It wasnt that long ago that we were laughing in reg, talking about the guys who we felt we were ' soooooooooooo in love with' when we knew nothing at all, obsession with shoes and make up; it's all so trivial now. I miss the days we could go out with friends and have such a laugh in the park where it was freezing cold and pitch black! I miss it all and cannot wait to come home in a few weeks and see everyone and relive the memories. xxxxx

Remember

In Flanders Fields by John McCrae, May 1915

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep,though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

On 11th November 1918 the First World War ended. During the four years of this 'Great War' nine millions courageous men and boys lost their lives to serve their King and Country.

Remember the dead

x

Feelings

Feelings are so confusing. One minute you're so sure how you feel about things and in the next moment your doubting yourself. Sex and the City (which is every girl's guide, or should I say bible, to love, life and sex) shows how feelings can completely mess up situations and make everything ten times worse. Take Carrie and Big's affair as an example, she had the perfect boyfriend in Aidan but because of the feelings she had for Big, even though he was bad for her, she risked everything just to feel close to him again. Have you ever felt like that? You have such a good thing going with one person but someone can make you doubt it and you would drop everything if you had one chance to feel that feeling again when you were with that someone. It's wrong because you could lose everything but it feels right at the time. Feelings are said to be electronic impulses from your brain which is thought to be the more reasonable option, i.e listen to your head not your heart as your going to get a more practical answer, but if thats the case when you are with someone that you like or even love, why is it your heart that aches for them and not your head?

I need to stop watching Sex and the City!

xxx