Valentine's Day

Well, it is that time of year again where shops are adorned with hearts, teddies, chocolate and flowers for all of us lovesick puppies to go and splurge on the person we love and adore. Personally, I can't stand this so called holiday. Coming 2 months after Christmas where we have been lavished with gifts, completely spoilt and been made completely broke, Valentine's day is just another commercial excuse to make money. Now, I know I sound very cynical here (as I have already been told by Nat, the love witch :p) but I don't believe that this day, out of 365 of the year, is the one time we show the other person who means so much to us how much we love them. Call me old fashioned, but surely, if your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend etc means the world to you and you can't live without them as they are your entire existence, then why shouldn't that be celebrated on a daily basis. A bunch of flowers randomly bought on your way home as you know that they are her favourite, a beautiful home-cooked meal with a nice bottle of wine when he comes home from work, being told how much you are loved just before he leaves the house; it is the simple things like this that makes your heart smile and truly shows how you feel. I'm not cynical when it comes to love itself, like any other woman I love everything about this feeling; being in love, being loved and finding that one person who is your best friend, who you can laugh and joke with, who understands you without you needing to explain, who can sense when your scared and is there to hold your hand without question, the one you want to be with for the rest of your life, but I don't like the idea of being forced to celebrate it with cards and expensive gifts. Call me a cheap date but a candlelit picnic on the living room floor followed by a film and a cuddle sounds like an ideal night.

Just a note to those who are blessed to have this beautiful feeling in your life, treasure it every moment of every day and not just on the 14th February.

xx

The Final Phase

So, here we are, the third trimester. I can't believe how quickly it has gone, I swear I only found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago! This trimester so far has been my favourite as, not only have I found out I am having a son and bought nearly every single piece of boy clothing out there, this is the part of the pregnancy where I feel like I have really bonded with him. He moves constantly and is getting stronger all the time, kicks have given way to him just being able to stretch as it's getting a little cramped in there (anyone who knows my partner will understand why). It's these moments where I can feel all this happening, where a little hand pushes up my stomach and I can feel it with my own hand, that I really feel connected to him and excited to meet him. The scary thing is that my due date, as of Saturday, is only 10 weeks away...

As excited and full of anticipation as I am, I am crapping myself, to put it mildly. This is one of the biggest things I have ever experienced in my life and one of the only things I can't plan for or comprehend what is going to happen. Going in blind to something as big as this is terrifying. I am lucky in so many ways that the boy is in the same situation as me, well kind of - he won't be pushing anything out, as I have someone to walk into the unknown with. I have hit the stage where I am panicking about everything, whether we have enough clothes (the answer is yes - I'm going to have to change him three times a day to get through it all), whether we have the essentials, what we're going call him, whether it will be perfect for him and also, the biggest panic of all, whether I can do this! Medicine has come on leaps and bounds but, at the end of the day, it will come down to me and me alone. People have faith in my abilities (if we can call it that) so I guess I just need to find faith in myself.

One thing is for sure, in approximately 10 weeks time my life is going to be turned upside down forever and I am going to have my own family and be a mum for the rest of my life. What a wonderfully scary thought :)

xxx

New Years Resolutions

According to the lifeline that we call the internet, “people should make their New Year’s resolution something that can improve their quality of life” which is exactly what I've tried to do this year. I've steered clear of the typical 'chocolate ban' and 'gym junkie' resolutions and just focused on things that will "improve my quality of life"... within reason.

1. To lose myself in the world of books: Being a former English Literature student, I have a wealth of books on my book shelf and used to immerse myself in them whenever I got stressed, sad or just wanted to escape from reality for a little while. For the past few months I am ashamed to say that I have neglected this past time in favour of tv and dvd boxsets and have therefore decided that my first NYR is to bring the joy of reading back into my life. It is the best form of escapism and, as I have so many books ranging from different eras and genres, I should be able to have so many adventures, fall in love so many times and to lose myself in different times. I've started this by re reading 'The Secret Diary of a Call Girl', ok it's not a classic but lets start slowly shall we?

2. Be more creative: Believe it or not, I used to be quite a creative person. I used to make music, crochet and do cross-stitching for pure pleasure and private time but, due to work etc, this has been put on hold for a good few years now! As a mummy-to-be, I have decided to bring this aspect of me back starting with crocheting my little one a blanket. This is going quite well although the colour scheme may be slightly off - Teal and scarlet red patchwork. This wasn't the original choice but, due to my laziness in starting this, I'm now running out of time and think this might be the easiest option. As said before, lets start slowly and build from here.

3. Try not to worry as much: Now this NYR is one that I know that I will struggle with and one I feel I will fail at. I know you're probably thinking why am I even bothering to try and do it if I think I'm going to fail... well mainly because it is the little things that I get really worried about, things that can easily be brushed to one side and overcome easily. I can get really worked up over these things and it isn't good on any form, especially with a baby in tow, so I am going to try with everything I have to 'woooooozzzzaaaaa' my way through these little problems. My only niggling thought is whether this is something that can be tackled or whether it is just me and this is how I'm meant to be... but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

4. Be a wonderful mum: My final resolution may seem simple but it is the most important one on my list. This year, 2012, is the year that my son will be born (yes it's a boy :D) and my life will change forever as I will now be known as mummy or mammy (welsh version lol). As the build up to the big day comes I find myself getting more and more worried, not about the labour or anything slight like that (: /) but the idea that this little human being will rely on me for the rest of my life is quite daunting. The only person who relies on me at the minute is me which is easy to cope with but a tiny baby whose whole development, personality and outlook on life depends on me... well you can see how easy it is to freak out and how hard it will be to be a wonderful mum. However, this is a NYR that I intend to keep with all of my heart and try my very best at. I have a wonderful guy who is going to be an insanely great dad and will teach him everything he needs to know and whose support never waivers even for a second. In all honesty, this is the best and most exciting NYR and I cannot wait!

And that's it. I think these NYR's will improve my "quality of life" in all different ways and having only four of them... well even I can manage that! Even though people nowadays don't take NYR's seriously, I think they're a great way to try something new and try to make you as a person that little bit better. Why not just pick one this year and see if you can stick to it?

xxx

Excitement!

Finally... the excitement about becoming a mum has hit me! I want to meet him/her now, I want to spend lots of money on buying Shrimp's pram, cot and clothes and have to restrain myself as I still have Christmas presents to get! I'm so happily overwhelmed by it all especially as my little one has starting moving and kicking me, it is the most amazing feeling in the entire world and I have never felt so much love and happiness in my life.

I sat and worked it out the other day and there isn't much time left. I have approximately 11 weeks left of work which means thats there is about 20 weeks until the baby is here and, being a typical woman, I am panicking about the fact that we haven't bought anything yet! I have spotted the pram and cotbed set that I really love and want it now, partly for piece of mind but mainly because it will just add to the reality of it all. If it wasn't all so expensive, I probably would have done the shopping today :s.

This part of the pregnancy I am thoroughly enjoying especially as the little one is now moving. I can't believe how much I have bonded with something I haven't even met yet and actually can't wait until it starts booting me properly (something I will regret saying later down the line no doubt) so that the boy can join in this feeling too. I feel slightly guilty as I'm experiencing all this by myself as the baby isn't kicking hard enough for the boy to be able to feel it which is such a shame as I want him to be as happy and in love as I am. It's just a waiting game and, again, I can't wait!

I had my first maternal instinct the other day while watching Children in Need - yes a hormonal pregnant woman watching Children in Need was horrific, I was a mess. With all the stories that they show, I just had an overwhelming protective moment where I just wouldn't let go of my bump and, for the first time time ever, had an insight into parenthood and realised life will never be the same again! Children in Need also inspired me with a new career idea... Watch this space!

Now I have gushed love all over this blog I will take my leave :) Bye for now!

xx

Mama knows best!

I feel that it is time for a little rant.

I'm starting to get quite defensive about my current pregnant state and feel that I should be taking it easier than I have been. The way people can make you feel about being pregnant isn't great; they have a tendency to not believe the way you're feeling or make you feel like you're exaggerating your symptoms. As I've explained before, and others who have been pregnant will understand this, during pregnancy when you tired, you are exhausted! This is merely due to the fact that your body is giving supplies and energy to the little one therefore, when I state that I am tired, the response of "oh yeah, me too. I know exactly how you feel" from someone who has never been blessed with pregnancy really gets me irate. How on earth can you possibly know how I am feeling, what I am going through if you have never been pregnant? And no, knowing someone who has been through it doesn't count! EVERYONE is different during pregnancy and there is no way to predict anything.

Talking it through with loved ones and people who have had children has really opened my eyes to the fact I should be doing less. Yes, less than I am doing at the moment. I should be taking it easy, resting, not getting stressed or worried about anything petty due to the fact it can actually be damaging to me and Shrimp (had to find this out the hard way a few weeks ago). However, it is very difficult with people who have never been in this situation as they are still in the mindset that you are exactly the same as you were 4 months ago and will push and push you like they used to, not grasping the fact that physically for you this isn't possible anymore. How do you get it through to these people who refuse to acknowledge or listen that you don't want to be wrapped up in cotton wool but you have to take it slow and remain as stress free as possible?

My point is that when I feel ill or tired or when I am completely rundown, mama knows best! The motherly instinct is now in full swing and I am very defensive of my baby and will now spend my life protecting Shrimp, inside and outside of me. This is an exasperated plea to just listen! I know what I am talking about when I say I cannot take this or that or that my twinges or cramps are normal as it is happening to me. No, I am not a midwife or any form of medical official but I know my body and the impact things could have on my unborn child. Therefore, as of today, I will be putting myself and my child first, above everything. And if you don't like it... Tough!

Phew! Now I feel better :)

xxx

Hey Mama

Alot has changed in the five months since I have posted my last blog - I have moved in with my boyfriend and I am going to be a mama for the first time ever :). No longer do I need to be slightly envious of my soul sister's perfect family as I will now be having my own, although just the one for now and not a clan ;).

I have just been reading through my previous blogs and it is so clear to me now that the reason I wasn't getting anywhere with my career prospects was because there was a bigger plan, a plan that I thought would never happen. It was a complete shock, not part of our relationship ideals but, as time went on, we have adjusted to the idea and are getting more and more excited at the prospect of becoming mummy and daddy. My feelings before of struggling to let go of my youth have completely changed and now I have embraced the fact that I will be 24 and with a baby.

I have never been more terrified or lost in my life. Even though you get a constant stream of advice from people, the underlying message is 'everyone is different.' I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I still have no idea what's going on or what is going to happen to the baby or to my body. The changes that my body have already undergone is shocking, especially with the arrival of the bump, and I know that more change is coming which really scares me.

One of the things that is completely overwhelming about it all is getting everything that the baby needs. I know the basics that we need to get but even that is a feat with all the choice that is out there! The cots or cot beds, cribs and moses baskets, the baths, highchairs, prams... the list is endless and the choice is phenomenal! I'm still trying to adapt and trying to buy what's best for a mini person who you haven't even met yet is so hard. As many books as there are to prepare you for pregnancy and the baby, nothing and I repeat NOTHING can prepare you, especially for the morning sickness and nausea but the less said about that the better.

Despite all of trials of pregnancy, I am in the second trimester and am starting to love being pregnant. I never thought I would say that especially during my awful first few months but after seeing my baby for the first time in my scan and hearing my baby's heartbeat today, I am starting to appreciate how amazing it all is. There is nothing so beautiful yet so weird than seeing your baby on the screen or hearing anything as wonderful as your little one's heartbeat for the first time; it is enough to bring tears to your eyes and make your heart swell with love.

The more it goes on, the more I can't wait for my next scan, the next stage, to meet my son/daughter. The support that I am getting is unbelievable and despite me being away from my family and friends in Wales, they are still at the end of the phone day or night. The next thing I need to worry about is names, clothes and whether I will be a good mama or not... but lets take one step at a time.

I will keep you updated.

xx

Career

The thing that annoys me about having to look at a different career path is that experience is everything. Everyone requires that you have experience before you even place your cv with them, but the question is how are you meant to get the experience if all companies want experienced people?!

Growing up, this is the part of the career picking process that people neglect to tell you about. It is all well and good deciding that you want to be a teacher or an actress or a lawyer but, when it actually comes down to it and your chosen path doesn't work out for you, it is extremely difficult to try and choose another career due to the E word. The plan is sugar-coated for you when you're in school, you're made to think that it will all be so easy for you and it isn't until you leave that the rose tinted glasses are removed and you're faced with the bleak reality that you have to fight to get where you want to be. We shouldn't be made to think that university is the answer to everything as, once you have obtained a degree, jobs just fall into your lap as this is most certainly not the case.

I know that constant struggle with decisions is part of growing up but having to decide when you're 16 what you want to do until you're 65 is too much to ask. When you have decided and know that this particular job is what you want to do for the rest of your working life, you are thrown into turmoil again when it doesn't work out and you have to alter your plan. All those years of thinking and planning go up in smoke and you're at square one again... However, this time, you don't have 5/6 years to plan where you want to be in 10 years time, you have months, maybe a year to think and decide what you want to do if you want a decent career.

I did a degree that I really enjoyed, English Literature, and I did well. However, I have been out of university 2 years this year and I am working in a lingerie shop which I certainly do not need a degree to do. My plan was to become a teacher but after 3 years of treading on this career path and getting nowhere, I am thinking it is not meant to be. Therefore, after meticulous planning over the space of 4 years, I now have to rethink everything. I want to do something new, exciting and with a prospect of a long career, however, there is a problem with this new plan, the E word! I have only worked in the retail, education and customer service sectors, all of which will be no good for my new career path (well it's a partial plan... Pieces are still falling into place) as, in the business world, this type of experience is no good.

The easiest answer to this rant is to get the experience I need to get me on my way, but how can you do that when no one will give you a chance to shine?

x